“I doan tink you unnerstaaand!”
“Excuse, me?” I ask.
“I doan tink you unnerstaaaand!” He says it with lanky arms waving, boney chest stuck out, eyes sparkling between threat and flirt, in a tone half tough-guy and half Neanderthal.
“Really? Is this the direction you want to go?” I challenge.
“I said… I doan tink you unnerstaaaaaand!” It’s his newest 11 year old phrase used for showing off, belittling younger brothers, gathering much craved attention, and tentatively testing boundaries.
I just smile.
The truth? I love it. Even when he’s using it to mask an attempt to mouth off to me, I think it is quite cute and hilarious.
But, I’ve heard it before when it wasn’t so cute or hilarious.
From me.
To God.
And from God.
To me.
I’m knee-deep in life, wallowing around trying to find my way, when I begin to get frustrated at his timing, reasoning, or seemingly lack of consideration for my perspective. “But God, I don’t think you understand!” He just smiles.
Other times I find myself hungry for direction, wisdom and insight. I’m digging deep into his word feeling lost, confused and unable to decipher where to begin. I get distracted trying to exegete minor issues and completely neglect the obvious in his Word. And then I hear him whisper, “I don’t think you understand.”
So, there I’ve been. More times than I can count. For more years than I’d like to share.
As I’ve said before 2009 was a very difficult year. One of brokenness, tearing away, and letting go. There was much pruning of my heart and beliefs and relationships and… I could go on.
Now in 2010, I find myself standing in the middle of well-plowed field. The soil has been churned, weeds are ripped away, and all that remains is potential, hope, dreams, and loads of dirty work.
After a life of fully trusting God, years in ministry, writing, teaching and leading, I feel as though I’m back at square one.
Yet again, as I dig through his Word, there is a part of me that fears that I won’t understand.
In Luke 24:45, Jesus promises his disciples that he will open their eyes and minds to clearly comprehend the treasures in his Word. That is what I long for. That is my prayer for 2010; that he will open my mind, strip me of my unhealthy paradigms, inspire my study, and lead my mind and life.
Already, I can feel God rebuilding, reshaping and reforming me. I can sense it. I long for it. I crave it. I am crazy excited about it.
“Lord, I’m beginning to understand.”
He just smiles.
Beautiful.