I’ve never celebrated Lent. I grew up in a highly religious and spiritual home, but Lent was never a part of our celebration. We were raised with a very scriptural and prayer based belief system, but it was very distinct from most traditional mainstream practices; especially traditionally Catholic sacraments. (Don’t let that fool you, though. We had plenty of our own odd “traditions” and “interpretations”. Smile.)
As such, I have never really been keen on the whole Lent thing. All I had seen were people who tended to party before it began, give up something for a few weeks, celebrate Easter, and then dive back into the life they had before. If it was supposed to be a time to dedicate one’s self to God, why not do it year long? Since it’s not a specifically scriptural practice, and if it never made a true difference in a person’s life, why do it at all?
Fast-forward to today.
The last few months, I’ve been trying to do whatever I can to explore new paths in God: prayer, fasting, study. Whatever I can get my hands on.
At first, I didn’t even realize it was Lent season. But when it hit me, I thought, well… can’t hurt. Right? (Yeah, that’s the right spirit and attitude… Ha!)
So, what do I give up? Starbucks? Internet? Meat? What gets in my way to God? That’s when it hit… Me. I come between myself and God.
For the past year or two, I’ve been in the fight for my life. As I’m making dinner or walking the dog, writing a blog or driving downtown, it slams me to the ground. Sometimes it feels as though I’ve walked into a thick, blinding fog. Often it seems as though I’ve been hit by a bus. Sometimes I fear I can’t breathe. It keeps me awake at night. It distracts me in the middle of conversations. It overwhelms me.
Guilt. Fear. Shame. Regret. Insecurity. Disgust. Hopelessness. General internal muck and mayhem.
For some emotions, I know why the thoughts linger. Others make no sense. I try to move past them, but they dodge this way and that, tackling me once again.
I find myself praying under my breath all day long. If people heard, they may think me to be a spiritual giant, or perhaps psycho. The truth? I’m surviving; I’m simply trying to breathe.
Isaiah 43 says,
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!”
This is what I long for. I’m claiming his promise of a new thing in my life. I’m tired of kicking this giant in the shins. I refuse to keep throwing pebbles at a behemoth problem. So… I’m setting aside a month and a half to pray, fast, study, and connect with God, specifically for freedom from all of the muck that overwhelms me.
Sadly, I don’t think I’m alone in this wormhole of emotions. If you feel led to do so, join me. Take this time to follow God. Allow him to help us work through our “issues”. Pray with me.
Please feel free to share your thoughts. If you would like, post anonymously; create a pseudonym and fake email.
Just share. And grow. And heal. And be filled with God. And learn to breathe again. And together in our lives, we’ll see God do a new thing.
Growing up Catholic ..I was thinking the scriptural reference to fasting during lent was the 40 days Jesus fasted on the mountain ?…Was this what you were referring to ?..Kind of asking not telling .Ineed to research a little more on that…but I totally believe in seeking The Lord through fasting and prayer .Can only say I remember one time God called me into a fast of fruit and grains ( that I obeyed!!).I was traveling to see someone on a bus for a full day.Reading the word and praying for the situation I was about to face .Lord Bless you and give you grace ..praying for things in your town and mine …and our families.
ps I totally agree the misguided fast is not pleasing to God …Just to let the carnal monster free after the fast ..God has some stern words for this behavior !!!!Love you Ellen …I know that anxiety you speak of …I pray God will set you free …
Hi and peace:-)
I’m searching for a link to an article on the true spirit of lent and I stumbled upon yours. I want to commend you for your littleness, honesty… and perseverance which is no small thing today. You confirmed this idea I’ve had (and would probably have more except for the fact that the sensory darkness “is” thickening which I believe everyone senses on some level (even the birds)… that those with good will who are just trying to live their lives according to their conscience and be good and love God, do have to use much effort just to survive. By the grace of God I’ve understood through His Mercy and yes, I believe many alleged Supernatural Visitations out there are in fact the Lord Himself or Mary etc. encouraging us to get through this increased darkness, loss of faith etc. because God has a plan to intervene and repair it all. He won’t leave us alone in this time. I think your family’s intent and your intent to seek God in freedom, to love God freely has allowed you to not be immersed in the current of fear (Fear which St. John tells us is never mixed with Love because it implies an anticipation of punishment.) that seems to have engulfed much of our beloved Catholic Church and the world. I am precisely looking for an article that will encourage souls to be more fully alive and open to grace and allow God to do His work in our souls so His life will be fully manifest in us. I believe that because so many people have been abused etc. that Lent has to be done and understood properly or it not only will not be fruitful but harmful. Let me know if you or anyone can direct me, thanks. Maybe Magnificat will have something.