I was sitting in the lobby of a neuropsych office, waiting on the boys, when I had one of those crazy deja vu moments. Normally, I just wonder if I experienced the moment in a dream or perhaps in an alternate reality, but this time I knew exactly where it was from.
A year and a half ago, we were in the process of adopting twin toddlers from Ethiopia. After almost a decade of trying to adopt, and years of haggling with the system for these two boys, we were on the verge of finalization. I can still remember where I was when I got the call telling me that our case had not passed court.
I barreled out of the office and jumped in my car, desperate to get away. I began heading down the New Seward Highway in a cyclone of emotions. Finally, I broke and began crying and half-yelling at God.
“Are you kidding me? This is the plan? Why couldn’t you have told me this was going to fail before I invested my heart and wallet all over again?
You know I need to get there to help those boys. They’re sick, remember? They need medical attention. They need my help!
Fine. That’s it. If I can’t be there to fix them, then you’re going to have to do it all on your own!”
I sat there having wiped my hands of the situation. If I couldn’t go to them, then he’d have to do it all by himself; without my help.
That’s when God laughed.
Uhm… Actually… I really hadn’t planned on you healing them at all. That’s kind of my thing. But, if you want to do all of this, help yourself.
It hit me. Here I was whining and moping, taking responsibility for something that was completely out of my control. But, it wasn’t up to me. It never was.
The light went on.
Apparently, just for a short time.
Here I was again. Another year. Another set of boys. Same fears.
“God, these boys need help! I can’t do it. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and I wouldn’t know where to begin. I’ve tried, but I don’t know what to do. You’re going to have to heal their hearts and restore their minds all on your own.”
This time, God just smiled.
It’s okay, I’ve been down this road before. I happen to know a bit about healing and restoring; I have the scars to prove it. No worries. I’ve got this.
I sat back in the waiting room surrounded by magazines, toys and little kids. I breathed in deeply. I smiled and let go.
Hopefully, I won’t have to learn this again next year.
Oh, my sweet friend, we’ve had lots of God lessons these last three years or so. They are not easy. I feel for you.
What a blessing, though, to have those precious kiddos in your home. Looks like God knew exactly the right family to put them in!
Hope you all are doing well. Miss you.
Jaime
Ellen, you just made me cry!! Reading this just put me in my place. So many times I try to handle situations on my own, then get so angry at God because it did not go my way. The saddest part is, they are MUCH smaller issues than the lives of young, innocent, sick and hurting children. You have such strength and faith that only God could have given you, and that I can only pray to one day come close to.
In the past year I too have had to come to the understanding that God is in control…not me! You know our situation with Deaton and about a year ago I decided to not just say it but do it. I made a list of detailed issues I needed God to handle (learned that from Toby). In 2 weeks I was able to mark off the first on the list. The second was a biggy, but I knew he could handle it. I wanted Deaton to come back home without a big fight. A couple of months ago, Douglas (Deaton’s dad) called and asked what my thoughts were about Deaton’s future. I simply said I would like for him to come back to LA. As I prepared myself for a long discussion (for which I had made notes), Douglas said to me “I agree.” Those words were unexpected, but I should have known that He is the “task master” and He has a plan all along. Much love to the Alaska Stevens!